How I Feel Deep Inside
by Darknessdeepdown
Summary: I welcome you into my mind. The demented thoughts secretly held in the deep corners of my mind that make my real insanity come to life. I have long given up on attaining back my sanity because this Darkness inside of me, Is all that is left to keep.
1. Chapter 1

It's been 2 years now. I'm better but then I'm not so sure. I was already betrayed, atleast that was what i felt, by my parents but then rejection came too when I let my mum know how i really felt.  
She badgered me with hostility about what it was i felt so sad about all the time.  
I told her, I don't know!  
I screamed it.  
If i had known, would i have been plagued by this sickness yet still?  
This made me come face to face with the fact i was already aware of.  
I had to keep up with the facade I could act out so well.  
So I lied again.  
"I think It was teenage blues/hormones, I wouldn't have written something so sad otherwise."  
I apologized and she smiled believing every lie that left my mouth after that.  
It made me sick.  
Sick to the point i had to rush myself to my room and let myself, my stomach try to expel something through my mouth. I almost puked at this all.  
How long was i going to spew lies out of my mouth?  
Every time I lied, Every time i faked my emotions and smiled, i was fucking disgusted by myself.  
Every time i quietly cried or suppressed my screams with my pillow i felt weak and helpless.  
Being alone even though you're surrounded by people who act like they care and like you but they can't even handle a little glimpse of you really were.  
And I was just so sad and bored of my existence. So terrified of continue living and feeling numb.  
Inflicting pain on myself, Made it tad bit better to handle this but then i had to stop when someone found out.  
Then i turned to alcohol i found around the house but eventually got caught. I lied it was just me trying a little.  
And guess what?  
They believed every bit of it.  
I've gotten more convincing than ever because Lies are all I'm made of now.  
But just like every lonely person, i wished someone could see through me and help me.  
I'm saddened to say they didn't.

They might have noticed signs but like all cowards living in their fairytale lives, they denied everything just because the illusion was too good to be given up.  
And let me get so much fucked up that I became who i am now.

I've turned cunning. I scheme great and easily get through them. Every person is naive if you just use the right tactics. I've become the master of this art, manipulation. And i can easily break them. So easily did i break him when he thought he had the upper-hand. It felt so satisfying to crush his little ego to pieces and bury him down.

I try to control myself, I do but the dark part of me, the part of me everyone refused to help morphed into this, Into something i wish i wasn't.  
A part of me overrun by vengeance alone. Those feelings of rage and revenge that blind me to the point of angry outbursts.  
The part of me which used to be depressed but being betrayed and rejected for me, time and again, time and again, time and again, changed that part of me into something dangerous.

How did i become so twisted? I was the girl who felt sad about people suffering. And now it just makes me so much amused at their pain. Cry a bit more, it makes me happier. Scream all you want, i want you to feel every bit pain i ever felt.

I had turned crazy. I had realized it. I had tried to change myself. But the truth about everyone made me embrace that side of me which was the only thing left of me. Destroying people little by little had never felt so alluring. Hurt them, give them hope, crush them. Torturing insects like that helped me keep my insanity hidden. Take a leg, let them scamper to safety thinking they'll be alive, stomp them as soon as they almost get away.

Just a word could wreck someone's world. That maniacal grin which graces my face when I'm in the privacy of my thoughts was the most creepiest thing i had ever seen, but it made me so much happier.

At times, i sit and i reflect when no one is with me, i plan killing people, lots of people and most of them are bound by blood with me. I long to feel their warm blood to cascade all over me and bring me alive back again.  
And those moments of insanity are when I am actually truly happy, i feel my hands itch to grab someone by the throat and dig my fingers in so hard that i tear the neck into many pieces.  
I shiver with ecstasy as images flash by my head and i finally take my revenge.

And they on face value smile innocently at me, not having the slightest clue I'm replaying their horror stricken bloody faces in the eye of my mind. I fake a smile and It's so sweet and caring, they think, mistakenly.

My only motivation now are these feeling. To be successful and own money enough to cover many murders easily. I don't play fair anymore, I'm not the good girl I was 2 years ago. I don't believe in a God. The fucker who fucked my life.  
This endless nightmare I'm living.

This is a Cruel world i have realized. Hopes are crushed like mere ants. You have to become cruel if you still hope it survive and really live. I'm not letting fake morales guide me anymore but this thirst. Bloodlust.  
In a Dog eat Dog world, you have to have the upper hand and turn into the cannibal instead.

And since I've let myself loose and the Darkness has consumed me, this madness keeps me alive and so much delighted.


	2. Happy Friggin Birthday to me!

So, Today is my Birthday. 15th February 2015 and I'm 16 now. But how do i actually feel about it?  
I feel terrible. I already held no expectations of my family that they will make me feel the tiniest bit special at all. So I wasn't let down. I was wished a 'Happy Birthday' out of formality by everyone in the family and now they are back to whatever they were doing. Ignoring me like everyday. You know, i think i might expect a small hug if given by anyone but of course, who'd do that?  
My dad?  
He's fucking scared to touch me it seems. The last time he patted my head affectionately was in 4th grade at night when he thought i was asleep as a sorry for beating me the first time ever. The corner of my mouth had swollen up and bruised.  
I don't remember anything after that.  
No affectionate word or touch he actually meant.  
Don't cry on your B'day day, they say and I'm already creating rivers.  
My mother asked me what i anted for B'day, showed me some jackets online of her bland taste out of compulsion otherwise i had already told her not to get me a gift because I won't accept. I stated because i don't want to collect garrabage but the real reason was that i by no means wanted more stuff reminding me of these people who ruin my everyday just by the look of their faces.

I know and I'm mature enough to realise they'll never be the parents who'll wake me with my favorite dishes and affectionate words of encourgement at my accomplishments. But they'll always be the people who killed the girl who once resided in me. Killed her faith in a god, in blood, humanity or justice.

Goddammit, It's your Birthday! Smile for fuck sake!

But i don't want to. It's just another year I was too much of a coward to kill myself. It was another unfortunate year i didn't die.

Who cares for that right?

Voldemort's B'day was yesterday. And i wished him. I also wished him Valentines day. :) I wish he was just the same to me like he was 2 years ago maybe then, i would still believe in good but i don't and i have long forsaken him.

{Note: I call my Ex-Crush Voldemort because he's who must not be named. Just because the sake of my poor heart}

Wow, there I might've sounded normal.  
I'm not going out today. I'll stay cooped up cleeping at home because my Birthday will never be the slightest bit important and even I'll not be. I'll forever be the broken toy no one wants to play with. I will always be alone and maybe this is the way it should be. I hope i die in my sleep today, that will be the best present ever. Nothing holds my worthless existence to live. 


End file.
